He knows us.

Just felt the urge to blog about my coversation with my cousin that led to a devotion that really inspired me today.

If you've been following me for awhile, you know that we've been trying to conceive since last July. It's been a really hard trial for me to go through every month. In some ways, I've given some of the control over to God and he has made me stronger and in other ways, I'm still human and want what I want and try to rationalize and figure out what's taking so long.

It's a day to day challenge. To give it to God and try to live a life God would be proud of, all while still longing for a child(ren) of our own.

Aunt Flo visited yesterday. I was only on Cycle Day 29 so I wasn't expecting her quite yet. But at least I didn't have to waste a pregnancy test. Ha! (Always trying to find the positives!) It hurt. I was sad. I had hoped that we made a baby all on our own since we took a break from medical help and we were way more relaxed this month. But God has his reasons. I am so thankful it wasn't another 51+ day cycle like I had last month. However, it still hurt yesterday to be in physical pain and emotional pain. Especially seeing gender reveals and pregnacy annoucements. I whined and did a lot of self pity yesterday to my mom, cousin, and husband. But my cousin told me it was okay to pity myself yesterday but tomorrow was a new day.

So this morning, she snapped me and reminded me today was a new day. I was ready for this new day! This new cycle! I'm ready. I called the Fertility Center to let them know I started yesterday and they set up an appointment for tomorrow so we can make sure I have no cysts on my ovaries and to check out my lining before we start Femara and Injectables. I think we have about 3 months worth of Injectables and then after those, we are done with medical help. I also called my OB/GYN to schedule a HSG to see if my tubes are blocked.

I was updating my cousin with all of that information and she said "So you're not doing IVF?" She's currently pregnant (after 4 years of infertility!) So I thought maybe she forgot (pregnancy brain) about my blog post a couple months ago when I annouced that we were not doing IVF and why.

"That's good, you can rest in Him." she responded.

"Yeah, I'm still kind of scared/kind of excited to just go back to the basics. Just try to keep my body healthy and have a good 'baby dance' life with Jaime. And let God deal with when and how we start our family."

She wrote back, "....then I gave it up and started to have peace. I think God knows our need for trying things to make something work as humans.

'Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frames; he remembereth that we are dust.' Psalm 103:13-14 KJV

We would ultimately be better off to just do it in the first place, but it's hard and He is soooo merciful and loves us and allows us to go through what we want sometimes just to get us to where He needs us. He is so kind."

I love those verses! I've never really read them before with this frame of mind. He knows us. So well. He knows we are made of dust. He is so merciful and kind to us. He put those verses in the Bible to remind us that He knows us and how we think. Yet, he's still gracious enough to let us do things the wrong way and love us despite it all.

I just wanted to share what God is working on in my heart right now. I know I have a lot of ladies (19!) who I'm praying for, who are going through what I am, most of them longer than I have, and some the same amount of time or a little less.

Regardless, we have to face this every day, month, and year. I just want to remind you ladies, you are not alone and you are not forgotten! I have 5 ladies on my list that got pregnant this year and I am SO HAPPPPPPY for them! God is still working and making babies for the barren. Don't lose your hope and faith ladies.


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