He knows us.

Just felt the urge to blog about my coversation with my cousin that led to a devotion that really inspired me today.

If you've been following me for awhile, you know that we've been trying to conceive since last July. It's been a really hard trial for me to go through every month. In some ways, I've given some of the control over to God and he has made me stronger and in other ways, I'm still human and want what I want and try to rationalize and figure out what's taking so long.

It's a day to day challenge. To give it to God and try to live a life God would be proud of, all while still longing for a child(ren) of our own.

Aunt Flo visited yesterday. I was only on Cycle Day 29 so I wasn't expecting her quite yet. But at least I didn't have to waste a pregnancy test. Ha! (Always trying to find the positives!) It hurt. I was sad. I had hoped that we made a baby all on our own since we took a break from medical help and we were way more relaxed this month. But God has his reasons. I am so thankful it wasn't another 51+ day cycle like I had last month. However, it still hurt yesterday to be in physical pain and emotional pain. Especially seeing gender reveals and pregnacy annoucements. I whined and did a lot of self pity yesterday to my mom, cousin, and husband. But my cousin told me it was okay to pity myself yesterday but tomorrow was a new day.

So this morning, she snapped me and reminded me today was a new day. I was ready for this new day! This new cycle! I'm ready. I called the Fertility Center to let them know I started yesterday and they set up an appointment for tomorrow so we can make sure I have no cysts on my ovaries and to check out my lining before we start Femara and Injectables. I think we have about 3 months worth of Injectables and then after those, we are done with medical help. I also called my OB/GYN to schedule a HSG to see if my tubes are blocked.

I was updating my cousin with all of that information and she said "So you're not doing IVF?" She's currently pregnant (after 4 years of infertility!) So I thought maybe she forgot (pregnancy brain) about my blog post a couple months ago when I annouced that we were not doing IVF and why.

"That's good, you can rest in Him." she responded.

"Yeah, I'm still kind of scared/kind of excited to just go back to the basics. Just try to keep my body healthy and have a good 'baby dance' life with Jaime. And let God deal with when and how we start our family."

She wrote back, "....then I gave it up and started to have peace. I think God knows our need for trying things to make something work as humans.

'Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him. For he knoweth our frames; he remembereth that we are dust.' Psalm 103:13-14 KJV

We would ultimately be better off to just do it in the first place, but it's hard and He is soooo merciful and loves us and allows us to go through what we want sometimes just to get us to where He needs us. He is so kind."

I love those verses! I've never really read them before with this frame of mind. He knows us. So well. He knows we are made of dust. He is so merciful and kind to us. He put those verses in the Bible to remind us that He knows us and how we think. Yet, he's still gracious enough to let us do things the wrong way and love us despite it all.

I just wanted to share what God is working on in my heart right now. I know I have a lot of ladies (19!) who I'm praying for, who are going through what I am, most of them longer than I have, and some the same amount of time or a little less.

Regardless, we have to face this every day, month, and year. I just want to remind you ladies, you are not alone and you are not forgotten! I have 5 ladies on my list that got pregnant this year and I am SO HAPPPPPPY for them! God is still working and making babies for the barren. Don't lose your hope and faith ladies.

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#TTC Baby Patterson Update

I've been journaling month to month updates since January, as a way to document this part of my life. I wanted to take a piece from it about what's going on lately and how we've changed our sails on this journey.

"We went home for the weekend because I needed to get my hair done and to visit friends and family since we hadn't been home in a month. But what really changed our perspective and our game plan was the sermon Jaime made me listen to on our way home back to Michigan. He just googled: infertility sermons. His favorite Youtube preacher had a sermon and he uses KJV so we listened to it. 

HOLY CONVICTION! I hadn't felt convicted about our plan to concieve until I listened to that sermon. IVF is playing God and I don't want to play God. I'm not writing it off completely. I don't think anyone who has had a baby with it is horrible or is going to Hell. We just decided we won't go that route. We also confessed to one another that we haven't been praying {with complete and utter faith} that GOD will give us a baby. I think we have been leaning on the prescriptions and doctors instead of leaning on the Great Physician. 

The preacher made a statement that has given me so much hope and makes me just want to wait on God's timing. He said, "Every women in the Bible who was infertile or barren eventually had a child." What hope! Some had to wait 20 years but they eventually had a child. I hope I don't have to wait that long but if I do, I know it's part of God's plan. I know I am to use this time to grow closer to God and to my husband. And I want to do just that! 

I'm thankful we went to a fertility specialist though! We discovered that I had a thyroid problem and got that under control. I go my OB GYN this week to plan to have a HSG done before we get too far into this next cycle. And depending on if my tubes are blocked or not blocked, we'll move forward with the next round of infertility meds or surgery to clean that mess up. I don't want to think and plan too far ahead anymore. But as a couple, we decided we'll just use the shots we were given and then be done with medical help. "

pictures from our drive home Sunday night

"We'll just continue to eat healthy, enjoy each day together, keep growing closer to God and live a happy, beautiful life together. God knows better than we do and I want to trust him whole heartedly."



So now, you're caught up. We've changed our mindset and outlook. We're going to hold God's hand and walk through this life knowing: He knows the desires of our hearts and we trust in His plan.

I feel more like myself pre trying-to-make-a-baby-for-the-past-year-hormonal-crying-mess Faith and will be back on Insta, FB, and Snapchat-just less than I was. I throughly enjoyed my time away but I also enjoy my friends I've made through social media and want to be there for you guys as well! So be prepared to see and hear more from me. Thanks for praying for us! We appreciate it!

(If you want to hear the sermon we listened to, here it is!)

Memorial Day Weekend Recap

I got to go home for Memorial Day weekend. We didn't do anything on the lake or go camping. But I did get to spend lots of time with family! Jaime works 10 days on, 4 days off, so he couldn't come home this time. We all missed him!

I brought Maggie with me and left Charlie at home with Jaime because he doesn't like coming home to an empty house. Maggie got to ride around with my dad in the truck and she loved it.

Alex got a toy to check the cows on the farm with. He was kind of happy about it. ha!

My grandparents from Colorado came in from my baby brother's graduation. We got ice cream Friday night and it was yummy! My favorite flavor is back at Brusters: Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip!

Saturday morning, I went to my other Grandmother's house to work on t-shirt quilts. I have enough t-shirts to make like 3 blankets! We already have 5 or 6 at my house. It's our favorite kind of blankets in our family, if you can't tell.

Next I went to our good friend's babies 1st birthday party. It was a cute "Guess How Much I Love You" book theme. I loved it! We're known as his Aunt and Uncle, which means a lot!

Next, I went to Jaime's cousins wedding but I didn't get any pictures. It lightly rained the whole ceremony which was outside and as soon as we went in the barn...it stopped and the sun came out! ha! But of course, the bride and groom were happy and didn't care! So happy for them!

I didn't stay long at the reception because I had to book it to my baby brother's graduation. 

Yes, my Saturday was booked!

Oldest & Youngest

Some of our cousins came to see Alex graduate. I love them.

Our church held a little graduation party after church Sunday night for Alex. Cake and ice-cream!

This little one is a hoot! She was playing with Amber's hair, pulled the bobby pin out and put in her mouth like she was a grown up. ha! You can't say kids don't pay attention to what their parents do.

After church, my cousins, brothers, and I had a little bonfire to make S'mores! It was good to hang out with everyone like we used to. 

He's affectionate! 

This picture probably makes some DIY'ers really sad. We had a old pallet we needed to burn and it was too late to use a chainsaw so we just through it over the fire pit.

We had a little family Memorial Day 5K! It's so much more fun to run with family rather than alone. Good motivation!

However, since that run, I had lots of cramping during my runs and through out the day. I called my fertility doctor and let him know what was going on. He told me to hold off all running, jumping, twisting, or crunching exercisers. He said if I did have cysts on my ovaries, the weight of them could  cause the ovaries to twist, cutting off blood flow, and I could possibly lose my ovary or both!

So, no more running for me for awhile. I can fast walk, do the elliptical, or swim for cardio. 

Speaking of infertility, my cousin, who has been my biggest earthly comforter dealing with this issue announced her pregnancy to the rest of the world this weekend! They have been struggling with infertility for FOUR years! Here is her testimony:

"I actually debated on posting anything, I didn't want to drudge feelings of impossibility and deep hurt to anyone who is going through infertility, but I also want to hopefully be an encouragement to those who are experiencing similar circumstances.
Josh and I decided to start a family exactly 4 years ago and the Lord had other plans. As each month passed, my heart ached and the feelings of hopelessness were overwhelming. It seemed as though every where I turned, people were announcing their pregnancies. As time moved on, trips to doctors came and went with little promise of any changes to our circumstances. I began to realize our prayers were more selfishly motivated than they were resigned to God's will, especially if that meant never having a baby. 

Time and prayer changed our hearts, and God helped us reach a point of peace and acceptance that we may not be able to have children. This acceptance seemed impossible at the beginning, but as the Bible promises in James 1:2-4, God showed us through trials that what we actually needed was Him, and not necessarily a child. He revealed Himself to us in a way I pray everyone can see Him. He became so magnificent to us even without giving us what we first desired. I'm not saying it was us, He did that. He gently walked us through every stage of it and then opened our eyes to an amazing Father that deserves praise no matter what the circumstances. I will forever be thankful that He chose to strengthen my relationship with Him this way. He knows us so intimately.
Keep trusting in Him no matter what your situation is."

What a awesome testimony and encouragement for the rest of us! I've been praying for them for a long time and I specifically asked God to give her a baby before me--and He did! It renews my hope that it'll happen for me one day.

I put together a "Congrats, you're pregnant!" basket simply because she deserves it and I'm so so happy for her! My favorite gift is the little onesie the says "Worth the wait and wait and wait". I got it off Etsy and it was shipped super fast! I'm hoping her morning/all day sickness goes away soon-hence the crackers, pretzels, and ginger tea. 

Grow baby grow!

Cuddling, her favorite past time!

One last bonfire before I left for Michigan Tuesday morning.

I started my new nanny job yesterday and I am in heaven on earth! This sweet and easy 4 month old helps my longing for my own baby! Hope you all had a great long weekend spent with family. But also stopped to remember all the families who were missing a loved one because they died protecting our freedom.

Have a great Thursday, I hear the baby waking up! Time for snuggles!

First Fertility Specialist Appointment

On our way!

I wanted to do a 'quick' update with how our appointment went. I know we have a lot of prayer warriors that have been praying for this appointment and I'm so thankful that you were/are! Because of your alls prayers, I think our appointment went really smoothly. We had a doctor who was very knowledgable, had a calm demeanor, and went into detail about our plan to tackle this.

Snapchat pic! (faithannpatters)

I didn't know what to expect for our first appointment. I didn't know if they were going to do a HSG today. I didn't know if we were going to have lab tests done or if Jaime would have to have any tests done since they highly suggested he come with me. There were lots of unknowns but I tried not to be too nervous or worry so much. But it was okay!

We went in and talked to an assistant or nurse (not sure, she just said, Hi! I'm Jennie...haha) to verify all our information in our paperwork. She took my vitals and then left to get the doctor.

He came in and asked me to take breaths and listened with his stethoscope. I then remembered I hadn't got out my Basal Thermometer Temperture charts out from the last 5 months and told them I had them. My back was turned from the doctor when I told him I brought them, Jaime said he looked at him and gave him a thumbs up and gave a cheesey smile. I'm going to take that as he has some humor about him and he liked that I was prepared. haha! Gotta find the good and funny in this somewhere!

Then we left and went to his office to discuss options. He laid out my game plan, went over why's and his logic for his plan. He talked so slow and calmly. But at the same time, I felt like it went by so fast, I couldn't grasp it. So I had to ask a lot of questions of things he had just said. haha.

I did not get an HSG done today because I could have clear tubes and still have endometriosis. We may do that test later though. I can also still get pregnant even if I do have it. Which I already knew that because my mom had all four of her children while most likely having Endo. He will look for cysts when I have an ultrasound next week. I go in to do labs to see if I have PCOS in the morning. Jaime will have an analysis done. After our labs come back, they will have a better idea of what is going on with both of us.

I'm going to take Femara and a trigger shot called Ovidrel for the next 3 months/cycles.
Hopefully, I'll get pregnant. Obviously...haha!

I feel pretty good about the game plan. But mostly, I feel nothing. ha! I know that sounds weird but I'm kind of numb to getting too excited. After 11 months of getting my hopes up and being let down over and over again. I think your heart starts to go numb.
And then some days like this past Sunday when I started my period, I was FULL of emotions and felt raw. I basically cried or was on the verge of tears All. Day. Long. I didn't expect that to happen but it was good. I had the house to myself so I cried hard and out loud. I prayed out loud. I cried and poured my heart out to God that day. I hadn't done that before.

You know how people say, "Everything happens for a reason."? But then you don't ever know what the reason is and most of the time you never will.
I think I know why God let me be 10 days late and start my period on Mother's Day.

Because I'm only on Day 5 of my cycle, I can start Femara this cycle and not have to wait until the next one. You can only start this drug in the first 9 days of your cycle! That was a 'God thing' for sure!

Second 'God thing' from today:
The brand name drug Femara is expensive. Like $500 for 10 pills expensive. HolyMoly! The pharmacists called me to tell me that until we meet our deductible, we have to pay out of pocket. Ah! I felt sick to my stomach. She made me feel very aware how expensive it was. I told her I would call the doctor and see if I could try anything less expensive. But they had closed 10 minutes prior. Great! So I called my husband to see what he thought. He said, "come get our insurance debit card and just pay for it." I was glad he was supportive but I knew that price tag was bothering him.

Just a little infertility humor. ;) I only wish that I could have had a "free" baby.

I thought maybe this is just the price we have to pay to have a baby. I know it only gets more expensive from here. Thankfully, we don't go to the doctor often so we've been saving since he started working for Gray. So I drove 25 minutes to get the card and then another 25 back to the pharmacy.

I was standing in line, feeling nausous to have to pay so much. (Oh! The trigger shot costs $157 additionally.) I went up the counter and the cashier pulled out my presciptions and instructions but something was wrong. She talked to a couple different pharmacists. I could hear them talking "She's going to like this price much better." I was standing there, anxious to know what was the matter. She came back and said this is the generic: Letrozole, it only costs $15. WHAT??
Talk about a huge blessing and relief! I talked to the pharamacists who reassured me that it has the same chemicals and strength. It's just generic! She made me feel better but I plan on calling the doctor to make sure it's okay. I'm praying that it is.

But wow!
God really took care of us today. He provided and watched over us just like He promises He will. I type that with tears in my eyes because I'm just so thankful. God has been so good to us.
He will be with us every step of the way.

So, thank you all for praying for us and this appointment. I don't know that I'll blog or post about every appointment, but this first one was worthy of it.

You may want to pray for Jaime because the side affects of Letrozole for me aren't pretty: hot flashes (I'm a furnace when I sleep already), hair loss (I'm surprised I'm not bald anyways), unusual sweating (I already sweat like a man), dizziness, nausea, diarrhea, joint pain, etc.

Regardless, Baby Patterson will be so worth it.

In The Meantime

So, it's out there. I've told the world. We are trying to have a baby. We have been for going on 10 months. Ten months of our lives have revolved around praying, crying, begging, pleading, questioning, reasoning, wondering, researching, and now we're starting the journey to get medical help. I'm not sorry that I shared publicly. I've gotten to talk to so many women who have been and are going through infertility. 

I know my struggle, trial, and pain is worth it because I'm getting to help and be there for other women like me.

We're just kind of stuck in the "meantime" of this part of our lives. There's only so much we can do. Only God can give you a baby and it's in His timing. Anything extra we do beyond praying, is for our peace of mind, to know that we tried this and that. It's hard to accept that we can't make this baby on our own. 

But God can. 

And so, while I wait, I've listened to some really good podcasts (thanks to my cousin for telling me about them) on what to do in the meantime. 

Why is God answering their prayers but not mine, at least not yet. 

What do you do when there is nothing you can do?

Andy Stanley started this six part series called: "In The Meantime"

(Click the links to listen to each one.)

1. The New Normal - God's silence does not equate to his absence.

2. A Purpose and a Promise - If you believe God can change your circumstances but chooses not to, you have the option to receive those circumstances from him as a gift with a purpose and a promise: grace. If that sounds absurd, remember your salvation and the salvation of the world, hung in the balance of a similar decision made by your Savior the night before his crucifixion.

 3. Yes You Can - We all face circumstances that stir deep discontentment within us. But when it’s happening to you, you feel like you’re the only one who faces loss. The secret of contentment is Christ in you, empowering you. Think about your primary source of discontentment. You can’t. He can . . . and he will through you.

 4. Where's Your Focus - When you focus on what’s wrong, you lose sight of what God makes right. There’s something important you have to keep in mind: your idea of making something right may not be God’s idea of making something right. When you realize and accept this truth, it changes everything.

 5. Believe It Or Not - Because God can redeem, use, or work through the undeserved, unavoidable, circumstantial trials in our lives. But in order for that to happen, we have to believe and persevere.

6. Comfort Zone - People who’ve suffered are uniquely equipped and qualified to comfort people who are suffering. 

For even easier access, you can find this series in the podcast app on your iPhone, search: Your Move-Andy Stanley. Then you can play them in your car on your commute like I did. If you're going through this time in your life, give yourself 5 min to pull yourself together before you go into work after listening to these because I cried several times. They are just so good.

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Update: We have an appointment May 12th with a fertility specialist to do or plan to do an HSG. A hysterosalpingogram or HSG is an x-ray procedure used to see whether the fallopian tubes are patent (open) and if the inside of the uterus (uterine cavity) is normal. HSG is an outpatient procedure that usually takes less than 5 minutes to perform. Once we do that, we will move on from there. I'm taking Metformin in the meantime to make sure that I'm ovulating regularly. Thankfully, it hasn't made me sick or have any side effects. But I think it did mess up my cycle so we'll see how long I'll keep taking it.

I have a long list of couples I've been praying for and although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it has been so comforting to know I'm not alone. 

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and shared your story!

Hope you all find these podcasts encouraging! I know I did and still do. Have a great Wednesday!